Chapter 8 - Not Enough

Elizabeth told me to think about what I said in our last session. Jenny also flagged it—something I need to figure out. And honestly? I’ve been trying. But all I keep feeling is this gnawing ache inside—less than, smaller than, not enough. That’s it. Not enough.

I know who I am. I am beautiful in my own way. I am smart. I am kind. I am successful in my career, making my way in a world that doesn’t always want to see me win. I’m a good person. I’ve seen the world, and I’ve loved the hell out of it. I’m a good sister. But even knowing all that, even feeling proud of the person I’ve become—there’s this voice. Quiet but persistent. No, I’m not enough. Not yet.

I can always be more. Prettier. Funnier. Thinner. Because that’s what I learned to believe—what I was conditioned to think. Why do I feel this way? Easy answer. Papi. His criticisms—the way he watched mommy, tearing her down behind her back, and how he’d judge everyone around him. His comments about my weight, like that was all he cared about. Never about my accomplishments, my dreams, the parts of me I was proud of. Never enough for him.

That got better over the years, but it never really left. It lingered, especially with Peter. His subtle corrections, his constant questioning of my decisions. Are you sure? Why not do it this way? His words echo in my mind, even now. I wish I could go back and undo those years, take them in my hands and rewrite what they meant. But I can’t. Not really.

And then I stop. Because I realize something. I’m here. I am standing in my own light, damn it. I made it through. I survived. I am where I want to be. But that voice—the one whispering I’m not enough—still lingers. And I want to silence it. I want to believe I’m enough now. When I date. When I love. When I start the next chapter of my life.

Because I deserve that. I deserve to be loved for who I am. I deserve to feel it in my bones—that I am enough.