Book - Hole to Whole

I went to the premiere for the Devil Wears Prada with Fer yesterday. It was different, I tried to enjoy it. But, the whole time I was thinking that I want to be talking to George, It was weird. Why do I do this? Get attached so quickly, emotionally. What if we don't connect physically? What if he doesn't like me? I find myself having these thoughts, but then I find myself wanting to be close to someone too. We are already making plans and everything. Soft ones, but they are plans. I guess I won't lose anything if I go and see what he's like. I could gain something too. Just like with Sergio, it's no different. Here I am waiting to meet someone I am already intimate emotionally with. I think about what Elizabeth said, maybe I just need connection, not a relationship. Maybe I was brought up to think relationships weren't a good thing. I wish I could understand better, but for now I will just try to enjoy it. Then I remember from that podcast, spark isn't conne...

It's been interesting getting to know George, intense. we talk a lot. We get close. My pattern. I hope he is who I think he's like in person. Kind, polite, a little funny. I hope I am what he thinks I am in person. I get self conscious about my wrinkles, but that's it. I like every other part of me. I hope he does too. And I can't get too attached, not yet. I don't want to be disappointed. I don't want to feel like I sacrificed and invested so much into something that won't work. I really like his personality though, and his drive, and ambition. The way he got to where he is. It's admirable. Truly. I value that more than I thought. Admiration.  I'm grateful for... - life - meeting george and getting to know him - getting to ride  - my job  - hope to find love - my health physically, mentally, and emotionally

 Sergio messed up and didn't calculate the days right. I wouldn't be surprised if he can't make it to Quito. Let's see. He was so excited to see me too. I was even thinking it would be next week, Oh well. Keep your expectations low, that's what I told myself. Let's see what happens. I started talking to George and he's very nice. We connect. I might skip the gravel fest rides and see him Thursday. I need to meet more people. He seems kind, and worldly, and ambitious. Let's see. But expectations are low. They have to be. I can't get attached this time, not again. I am losing my want to talk to Justin too. He's there, but I am not that into him. Weird I know. I just don't feel it, anymore. Maybe it's these guys that could turn into nothing. But, I just see him as a friend. And that's all it has to be right now.  I'm grateful for... - helping Patty with her triathlon - my health physically, mentally, and emotionally  - holiday coming...

I had a great ride yesterday, feeling better about what Felipe said about resting. I think Monday I will rest and swim, swim for the mind. And I will try to follow the plan. I am enjoying gravel riding. It's different. I like it when it's not technical too. I'll have to get my bike adjusted though. My knees hurt. I had a dream I slipped, twice. I didn't fall. Just slipped. " A warning to you pay attention that you might lose control." I need to watch my food and rest. I don't want to slip into RED-S. I need another thing. I thought about the podcast yesterday, the part about letting reality be your editor, and your judge. I think I do want to be a nurse. I think it would be interesting working with people. Or, I could be the inspirational sports coach and do it even on the side. Coach people to accomplish big goals. I know so much already., I have my IIN certification. Which brings me to the other lesson from the podcast. Just go for it, imperfectly. Don...

Sergio asked me what I expect from him. It's a vulnerable question, but maybe more vulnerable for me that has to answer it. The truth is I don't expect anything from him. He's there, I'm here. He lives in Medellin. If we don't. turn into anything I would still be content. Because we had a beautiful connection. So, if it turns into something great. It would be work, though. If it doesn't, that's great too. I don't think he's expecting that. I am not sure what he expects from me. Sex, just support on his ride, a relationship. I don't know if it is worth asking him, or if after my question it would sway him. Maybe leave it as is and he can answer that if he wants without be asking. It has been fun though, I like the connection. The constant communication. The adventurous spirit. But, this too shall pass. Just like I told him that is what I would say to my future self If I had the chance earlier. This too shall pass, even the good things. So don'...

I had a dream Jenny was dying. It was odd. She was ok with it. She was following what the embassy doctors were saying and ignored other doctors, which is not like her. Her eyes were failing before, she was taking medicine before. It's like it was all adding up to thiis immune disorder that was causing her to die soon. I was sad. Andrea was there too. I wonder if this has to do with that I talked to Jenny yesterday, and I am worried about her not ending things with Tim already. On another note, Justin is back in my life. We talk a lot now, again. I can't shake him. We are just friends now, but he says he will stay with me until I heal. I am not sure about him, but maybe the therapy will help me decide. Time will tell.  I'm grateful for... - My health physically, mentally, and emotionally - Friends and family  - Love and hope for it 

Yesterday was a good day. I am being more of a tough boss at work, which is ok. I am showing my truer colors. I am admin sepping a volunteer. I had a great day though. Productive. Busy. I like that. I talked to Jean, which I loved. She's been my rock. I worry about her staying with me for 2 weeks, but then IU think about how much she's helped me. All those years. I appreciate her and I will lean in. I got a trainer, who also knows about nutrition which is great. I start next week. I am making progress. Slowly, but I am.  As for dating, it's non existent. Sergio is starting to get boring. It was exciting at first, but it faded. Same old. Same old. And, he still has a ways before he comes here. I am going to update my profile because I need to get out there more. And then there is Justin. He's still there. A good friend right now. That's all. But, I do think about us together. That he has all the things I truly need. He knows me. He gets me. He supports me. Something ...

I think this might be a long one. I had a good day yesterday. Not in a common good day, but in an eye opening big day. I met with the doctor at med unit and it looks like I have early sign of RED-S. This is good to know. I can't lose my period again. I need to east and train smarter. More protein. Stick to the plan. One rest day a week. A full rest day. I know I have been overdoing it lately. Part of it has been the events, some of it has been stuff inside that needs an escape. That's always been the case, but it feels deeper now. I need that release. So, I will pay more attention to this. I will need to get a trainer for my bones, and maybe either get a nutritionist or research nutrition on my own. Take supplements. It's all related. My bone density came out a little worse, but still not too bad. Which means I need to reverse it. Weights, calcium, and vitamin D. A must. I can do this. I feel positive about my health now, fortunate that I can do something about it. I think ...

I went to the club in Quito Tennis with Fer yesterday. It was fun. We laughed. We talked a lot. We hung out by the pool and went to the steam room. She's a good friend. She reminds me of Sonja. But, with Sonja we never did that stuff. We just walked. Strange when Think back at that. We never did anything different. Or we never talked on the phone. Our relationship was kind of limited in a way. Maybe it was me. I wasn't in the best place. I really just started getting better when they left. But, I'm better now. Much better. I feel good. Sure, that may change when I leave Ecuador but I can enjoy it for now. Like really enjoy it. I will go to Italy, my only trip this year. I will climb cayambe and Chimborazo. I will explore. I will hopefully find love.  I'm grateful for... - Sergio - Family  - Patty  - Fer and friends I am making  - Sense of community with work and cycling - My job and my team - My health physically, mentally, and emotionally 

I had a dream with Marcela. Always with Marcela. This time we were stuck in some guard house at the embassy I think. we didn't have our badge and we had gone through several times with out it and this time they didn't let us go. We were held captive. I cried. I was upset. Again, unresolved conflict or trauma. And Marcela was with me. Past trauma. My dreams are telling me something. Something tells me I should do ayahuasca. I need to figure this out.  I exchanged lots of voice notes with Sergio yesterday. When he's alone he's more attentive. It was interesting, he said he was shy before. I don't see that, but I like that he was. Makes him less intimidating. He said he doesn't have fears or knows them. I am sure he will come up with something. I shared mine, fear of losing my independence. I want to learn how to not think about that, Let things flow, like he says. And take each challenge on when it comes. He said he used to plan and control everything. I can see t...

We had a scare yesterday. One of the cyclists, Santi, fell on the curve at bicitenario. I don't like that training session very much and all I have to say is thank goodness I was in the back, far back. Regardless, he was ok. After an hour of waiting for the fire truck we went home with Fer. I got lucky. He is ok too, no breaks. So lucky. I chatted with Felipe after that and he said that this would have been dangerous if it were me with my osteopenia. It was a trigger. He also said that we have to try to be active for as long s we can. Double trigger. I know he didn't meant it, but it made me anxious. What if something like that happens? Well, I would be ok. I would recover. I would find some other sport. I have to remind myself of that. I would be ok. I wrote to my gyno and she will order a DEXA, and then I really have to buckle down on calcium and vitamin D supplements and weight training. I can do this. Maybe consider HRT. But, at least I will know where I stand and we can go...

I had coffee with Fer yesterday. It was nice to catch up. She and I can relate to each other. Even when I mentioned that I liked it when men were mean because it was familiar, she got it. Justin also called and I chatted with him. I don't have feelings or that sense of attachment like before, though. That's a good thing. Just a friend. It helps to have other distractions. For example, friends, cycling, and now dating. I am going to meet JC today. So curious to what his real name is. I hope it goes well, but my expectations are low, I don't know why. Maybe because I feel like that protects me from rejection. It stings, but then I'm fine. So, I need to keep putting myself out there. Keep moving. Keep connecting.  I'm grateful for... - family - friends - my health physically, emotionally, and mentally  - feeling ok during recovery from the ride 

That's what they called me. It was funny. I laughed at all of their jokes about me. GI Anni. The 0-5000 group was so fun. Ari, Juanma, Cris, Felipe, Dani, Caro, Karol, Galo. We had such a good time. I really enjoyed it. It's been a while since I've bonded that way, laughed so much. They were great. Supportive. I could relate. I found my people in that moment. I miss that.  The ride turned out great. I felt strong. My knees and hip hurt at first, but I got used to it. The ibprohoen probably helped.  Tairn took care of me. It was nice to not be the last person. I pushed Cris, I ate a lot more than I normally do, I was happy on the bike. The night cycling was peaceful. It went but so fast too. The hours and kilometers just flew and I wasn't counting down like I was during the day. I am making friends here, I love it. I am known, people know who I am. I love work. I love my team at work. I know I have 2 years and some, but I already don't want to leave. I don't want...

I had a dream I lost 2 cars, not 1 but 2. I'm struggling to gain control in direction in life. I don't know. Is it that or that I just feel lost in my personal life. Because I do. I can't make a decision on this nursing thing. Mostly, because I don't want to go back to school. But, the idea of going back to st. Pete is intriguing. I could date again. Be closer to Patty. So there is that. I am losing direction. ' Kat wrote something interesting. She asked if Samoa felt like contraction or expansion. Contraction for sure. So does getting back together with Justin. I think this is a good guide for when I am feeling indecisive. Staying here feels like expansion. I can continue focusing on connection, exploration, and growth. Sergio feels like expansion.  As for Everlasting, I am excited to try it but now my left hip hurst so im nervous. It could be my mind and body connection too. It does that. But, I do feel it. I really hope it doesn't stop me. I was feeling so st...

I was going through one of those times yesterday, like poppy did, when I said I should just go to Samoa. Leave what's comfortable. Flight. I reconsidered throughout the day and now I realize it's just an old pattern, something I picked up from poppy. The drive was pretty strong though. New place, new people, but this time the leaving everything behind part wasn't so attractive. I don't want to do that. I have a great team, a great routine, flexibility, cycling opportunities, adventure, climbing, trekking, friends. I have friends. I'm still curious what Kat will say. Learn to say no to the Samoas in the world. Fight the pattern. Learn to say no to the pattern. I am great. I am beautiful in and out. I'm wise. I'm smart. I'm kind. I'm athletic. I'm driven. I'm me. Fight the pattern that says I'm not enough, because I am.  I'm grateful for... - Life and getting to live in it - Hope to meet someone I can share my life with - Sergio for kee...

I am not sure how to handle this with Sergio. It's a pattern that I want to break. I had it with Peter, and Justin, and even Sean. Fall for someone from a distance. I can't let that happen this time. I am tired of waiting to meet him, though. It's been over a month and now another one. Fer says to tone it down, so I will. I can't get attached, not this time. Not to someone I don't know. It does give me hope though. To find someone in my life that matches me. That I am attracted to physically and mentally. That makes me laugh. I don't know. I listened to a podcast yesterday about dating, and how sometimes it's better just to chose someone and stick with them. Someone who makes you feel good when you are with them. Not what they have or don't have. Justin has some of those things, but he also is missing the attraction, the chemistry, the drive. He can't work anywhere else. I want someone I am proud to show off, someone I know I deserve. Justin would be...