Book - Hole to Whole

I had a dream I was losing a tooth. It was loose, not fallen yet. But, it was getting there. I had a fear of loosing it. Bingo A fear of losing my old way of thinking, what kept me "safe". What was familiar. I am changing. I am growing. But, I'm not quite there yet. I have more work to do. I still hold on to that pattern, not fully, but I have one hand holding on. Elizabeth said George has signs of anxious attachment so I looked it up later and there it was. All the signs starting making sense. The wanting me to respond right away, the are you bored?, the videos so early, the songs so early. But, I have to remember it's the need for connection, not love for me. It would hav been challenging since I am so independent, but part of me wants so bad to comfort him and fix him. To make him feel better and encourage him to get help and understand his pattern. But, he's 53 and doesn't feel like he needs a psychologist and vapes for anxiety. He's also strong though...

I had a dream my car was stolen. And, yes, Marcela was there. I want to believe what I found. A shift in destiny. Breaking old patterns. Something is changing. I love how my dreams help me through this. Just another sign that I do need to trust my gut, It's everything. My guide. And my gut told me no to George, So just trust that. Something good will happen, I hope. Maybe they are all teaching me something. George a pattern I need to break, Sergio that I want someone adventurous in my life. Justin that I want someone I feel safe with. They are all teaching me something about what I want and don't want. I will get there. I feel close. Maybe not here in Ecuador and that's ok. But, some day soon I will find him. Or even better, he will find me.  On another note, I have this race this weekend. I can't believe I've been home sick all week. What terrible timing.  I'm grateful for... - Hope for a healthy and fun relationship - Signs that I'm healing - My healthy ph...

Did I make a mistake with George? I wanted so bad to be loved and I felt like he was starting to love me. What I loved the most was how much he would keep me updated, sending me texts to tell me what was going on and where he was and asking me to do the same. Sergio did that too. Even when he didn't have signal. Maybe that is just a normal thing guys do. And I have set the bar low. I have to remember that I have trusted my gut with several guys in the past, and then went back to them, and then learned the hard way. I won't do that this time. I just can't. There was Matt, and John from ride, and John from the pool, and Justin. But, mostly there was Peter. He made me feel uneasy. He activated my central nervous system. And I stayed and look what happened. I couldn't take it anymore, we broke up too late, and we kept in touch. It was false love. My gut was loud in New Zealand and then in Georgia. It wasn't right and we knew it. But, I wonder if me and George would have...

I had a dream that I was with my family and I watched them go inside, except for me and patty stayed behind. As we watched the house started to collapse. First, at the very top, then the middle leaving only the bottom in tact. I think I did the right thing with George. It hurts of course, but I want to trust myself. I am breaking an old pattern. That's not easy. I need to trust this change, and learn from it. I felt the uneasiness on my part, I had to lie to please him, I had to lose weight before seeing him, I had to please him, I had to match his intensity. And you know, what? Patty was with me. She was my support. She is my support. I am thankful for that. The house collapsing may reflect an old relationship structure or emotional pattern losing its hold on you. Because you recognized the signs early and stepped away, your mind may be processing both the grief  and  the disruption of a familiar cycle. What’s especially meaningful is that: You stayed outside the house. In th...

I am feeling a little better about George. I think I made the right decision, but oh man did I have a hard time with this one. Not with Justin or Sergio, or anyone else. But, George took a toll on me. I asked myself why and I think it's because I found him so familiar. And his texts and words and kisses and we slept together. He was kind, and firm at the same time. Just like poppy was. Charismatic and confident. But, he snores and he vapes and he doesn't eat well and he didn't come to see me when he said he would. Sure, I can say a lot about me too. I am obsessed with cycling, I've never been married. I listened to Esther Perel yesterday and she talks about that. How we aren't perfect either and should be open to differences. I was open, very open. But, this was different. He triggered me. He woke up my nervous system in a way that I felt a need. Not a want. Maybe we could have worked through that. But, I didn't want to try for some reason. For a good reason. Be...

I had a hard weekend. I was thinking a lot about if I made a mistake with George. I think it's the loss if anything. The loss of something that could have been. A boyfriend. A partner. A feeling that I'm not alone. That I have someone who cares and adores me. He thought I was adorable. He was falling for me. That's the part I miss. Not him exactly. Maybe him in the future, but I think that reality would have settled in eventually and maybe my gut would have proved me right. I am learning to trust my gut. I did with information. The feeling I had that Sunday, the not sleeping, the vaping, the snoring, the not coming when he said he would. Those were all signs by gut was holding on to. I am good at trusting my gut., I know it so well. I think about what Kat said. Is it expansion or contraction. This felt like both, but contraction when he said he would come and contraction when I said I would maybe go. That's worth paying attention to.  Now what Jenny said really hit home...