Book - Hole to Whole

I had a dream Jenny was dying. It was odd. She was ok with it. She was following what the embassy doctors were saying and ignored other doctors, which is not like her. Her eyes were failing before, she was taking medicine before. It's like it was all adding up to thiis immune disorder that was causing her to die soon. I was sad. Andrea was there too. I wonder if this has to do with that I talked to Jenny yesterday, and I am worried about her not ending things with Tim already. On another note, Justin is back in my life. We talk a lot now, again. I can't shake him. We are just friends now, but he says he will stay with me until I heal. I am not sure about him, but maybe the therapy will help me decide. Time will tell.  I'm grateful for... - My health physically, mentally, and emotionally - Friends and family  - Love and hope for it 

Yesterday was a good day. I am being more of a tough boss at work, which is ok. I am showing my truer colors. I am admin sepping a volunteer. I had a great day though. Productive. Busy. I like that. I talked to Jean, which I loved. She's been my rock. I worry about her staying with me for 2 weeks, but then IU think about how much she's helped me. All those years. I appreciate her and I will lean in. I got a trainer, who also knows about nutrition which is great. I start next week. I am making progress. Slowly, but I am.  As for dating, it's non existent. Sergio is starting to get boring. It was exciting at first, but it faded. Same old. Same old. And, he still has a ways before he comes here. I am going to update my profile because I need to get out there more. And then there is Justin. He's still there. A good friend right now. That's all. But, I do think about us together. That he has all the things I truly need. He knows me. He gets me. He supports me. Something ...

I think this might be a long one. I had a good day yesterday. Not in a common good day, but in an eye opening big day. I met with the doctor at med unit and it looks like I have early sign of RED-S. This is good to know. I can't lose my period again. I need to east and train smarter. More protein. Stick to the plan. One rest day a week. A full rest day. I know I have been overdoing it lately. Part of it has been the events, some of it has been stuff inside that needs an escape. That's always been the case, but it feels deeper now. I need that release. So, I will pay more attention to this. I will need to get a trainer for my bones, and maybe either get a nutritionist or research nutrition on my own. Take supplements. It's all related. My bone density came out a little worse, but still not too bad. Which means I need to reverse it. Weights, calcium, and vitamin D. A must. I can do this. I feel positive about my health now, fortunate that I can do something about it. I think ...

I went to the club in Quito Tennis with Fer yesterday. It was fun. We laughed. We talked a lot. We hung out by the pool and went to the steam room. She's a good friend. She reminds me of Sonja. But, with Sonja we never did that stuff. We just walked. Strange when Think back at that. We never did anything different. Or we never talked on the phone. Our relationship was kind of limited in a way. Maybe it was me. I wasn't in the best place. I really just started getting better when they left. But, I'm better now. Much better. I feel good. Sure, that may change when I leave Ecuador but I can enjoy it for now. Like really enjoy it. I will go to Italy, my only trip this year. I will climb cayambe and Chimborazo. I will explore. I will hopefully find love.  I'm grateful for... - Sergio - Family  - Patty  - Fer and friends I am making  - Sense of community with work and cycling - My job and my team - My health physically, mentally, and emotionally 

I had a dream with Marcela. Always with Marcela. This time we were stuck in some guard house at the embassy I think. we didn't have our badge and we had gone through several times with out it and this time they didn't let us go. We were held captive. I cried. I was upset. Again, unresolved conflict or trauma. And Marcela was with me. Past trauma. My dreams are telling me something. Something tells me I should do ayahuasca. I need to figure this out.  I exchanged lots of voice notes with Sergio yesterday. When he's alone he's more attentive. It was interesting, he said he was shy before. I don't see that, but I like that he was. Makes him less intimidating. He said he doesn't have fears or knows them. I am sure he will come up with something. I shared mine, fear of losing my independence. I want to learn how to not think about that, Let things flow, like he says. And take each challenge on when it comes. He said he used to plan and control everything. I can see t...

We had a scare yesterday. One of the cyclists, Santi, fell on the curve at bicitenario. I don't like that training session very much and all I have to say is thank goodness I was in the back, far back. Regardless, he was ok. After an hour of waiting for the fire truck we went home with Fer. I got lucky. He is ok too, no breaks. So lucky. I chatted with Felipe after that and he said that this would have been dangerous if it were me with my osteopenia. It was a trigger. He also said that we have to try to be active for as long s we can. Double trigger. I know he didn't meant it, but it made me anxious. What if something like that happens? Well, I would be ok. I would recover. I would find some other sport. I have to remind myself of that. I would be ok. I wrote to my gyno and she will order a DEXA, and then I really have to buckle down on calcium and vitamin D supplements and weight training. I can do this. Maybe consider HRT. But, at least I will know where I stand and we can go...