I'm Spiraling

 I'm spiraling again. Why did I not give it more time? Why not just one more week? I just lost something that could have been. We could have been novas. We were in his eyes. I almost had a boyfriend. And things were going well. They were flowing like he said. They were moving forward. We were falling for eaach other. Or, was it just the idea of us being together. I remember him saying how every day you chose your pareja. That hit home. I wanted him to chose me, and he did. And, then I let him go. We were good. He was kind. He wanted me to do what I wanted to do. He made me feel so special. And I think I did too. I miss him. But, do I miss him or the idea of him? The idea of a boyfriend. Did, I exaggerate the way he was that first time with my therapist? Was he just a little nervous and acted that way. He talked a lot about himself, which is what men do. But, he never asked about my job. He didn't ask about my cycling. When I told him about Italy he just said that's great. He never brought up Thursday again in seeing me, but maybe because of his car and the electricity, and he felt bad canceling. But he wanted me to go there over the weekend. He knew I had my ride. But, I also pushed that idea by saying that I may not go to the ride. I tried to talk to him about how cycling is for me, and he didn't ask much about it. He doesn't sleep and I sleep early. He doesn't exercise and exercise is my everything. He's not healthy, but either am I on the other spectrum, I'm not perfect either. I have my red flags. But, Anni, just stop. He's a good person. I'm a good person. We are just not right for each other. I can't see him as a villain because he's not. He is just nit right for me. And, I know that. I knew that when I made the decision. The decision was made. I can't look back. Just move forward, Anni. Look ahead. Trust your gut. Trust yourself. Move on.