Trauma Bonding

I had a hard weekend. I was thinking a lot about if I made a mistake with George. I think it's the loss if anything. The loss of something that could have been. A boyfriend. A partner. A feeling that I'm not alone. That I have someone who cares and adores me. He thought I was adorable. He was falling for me. That's the part I miss. Not him exactly. Maybe him in the future, but I think that reality would have settled in eventually and maybe my gut would have proved me right. I am learning to trust my gut. I did with information. The feeling I had that Sunday, the not sleeping, the vaping, the snoring, the not coming when he said he would. Those were all signs by gut was holding on to. I am good at trusting my gut., I know it so well. I think about what Kat said. Is it expansion or contraction. This felt like both, but contraction when he said he would come and contraction when I said I would maybe go. That's worth paying attention to. 

Now what Jenny said really hit home. Is it trauma bonding that made this all hit so hard. Did he remind me of something from my past. He had a little but of poppy in him. Did it bring up something else that I ignored the signs. Was there something about his dominate attitude or the way he talked about his family that made me feel attached. Was I confusing passion and excitement with something else? 

I'm thankful for...

- Patty and Jenny helping me through this

- Life and living and being able to bike

- Connections 

- Self awareness with George

- My health physically, mentally, and emotionally

Trauma bonding in a new relationship happens when your brain unconsciously links an intense new connection with familiar, unresolved pain from your past. 

Recognizing the Signs
  • Extreme Highs and Lows: The relationship is a rollercoaster of intense passion followed by severe arguments, silent treatments, or emotional withdrawal.
  • Walking on Eggshells: You constantly monitor your behavior, words, or tone to avoid triggering your partner's anger, neglect, or abandonment.
  • Justifying Red Flags: You find yourself making excuses for their behavior, believing that if you were just "better" or did more, things would improve. [1, 2, 3, 4]

When someone is in a trauma bonding situation, I find that they answer with something like:

  • There’s just something about them.
  • We’ve always had this strong connection, or right from the start, we had this amazing connection.
  • I love their confidence.
  • I just feel good around them.
  • When it’s good, we can talk about anything for hours.
  • It’s just special.
  • I know I’ll never find someone like this again, or I’ve never felt this way around anyone else (or any other scarcity statement).

These answers always terrify me! Because none of them are examples of what it takes to make a healthy relationship. I want your answers to be:

  • They’re the most empathetic person I know.
  • They always have my back in every situation.
  • Our communication is always strong, even when we disagree.
  • They’re kind, thoughtful, compassionate, honest, consistent, trustworthy, reliable.
  • I always know they’re thinking of what I need as they’re managing their own needs and wants.
  • We always work as a team.
  • They ask me about my day/life and care about my answers.
  • They ask great questions to help me think about my day/life.
  • They’re always trying to make my life better.
  • They prioritize me and our relationship.


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