Book - Hole to Whole

I had a dream I was losing a tooth. It was loose, not fallen yet. But, it was getting there. I had a fear of loosing it. Bingo A fear of losing my old way of thinking, what kept me "safe". What was familiar. I am changing. I am growing. But, I'm not quite there yet. I have more work to do. I still hold on to that pattern, not fully, but I have one hand holding on. Elizabeth said George has signs of anxious attachment so I looked it up later and there it was. All the signs starting making sense. The wanting me to respond right away, the are you bored?, the videos so early, the songs so early. But, I have to remember it's the need for connection, not love for me. It would hav been challenging since I am so independent, but part of me wants so bad to comfort him and fix him. To make him feel better and encourage him to get help and understand his pattern. But, he's 53 and doesn't feel like he needs a psychologist and vapes for anxiety. He's also strong though...

I had a dream my car was stolen. And, yes, Marcela was there. I want to believe what I found. A shift in destiny. Breaking old patterns. Something is changing. I love how my dreams help me through this. Just another sign that I do need to trust my gut, It's everything. My guide. And my gut told me no to George, So just trust that. Something good will happen, I hope. Maybe they are all teaching me something. George a pattern I need to break, Sergio that I want someone adventurous in my life. Justin that I want someone I feel safe with. They are all teaching me something about what I want and don't want. I will get there. I feel close. Maybe not here in Ecuador and that's ok. But, some day soon I will find him. Or even better, he will find me.  On another note, I have this race this weekend. I can't believe I've been home sick all week. What terrible timing.  I'm grateful for... - Hope for a healthy and fun relationship - Signs that I'm healing - My healthy ph...

Did I make a mistake with George? I wanted so bad to be loved and I felt like he was starting to love me. What I loved the most was how much he would keep me updated, sending me texts to tell me what was going on and where he was and asking me to do the same. Sergio did that too. Even when he didn't have signal. Maybe that is just a normal thing guys do. And I have set the bar low. I have to remember that I have trusted my gut with several guys in the past, and then went back to them, and then learned the hard way. I won't do that this time. I just can't. There was Matt, and John from ride, and John from the pool, and Justin. But, mostly there was Peter. He made me feel uneasy. He activated my central nervous system. And I stayed and look what happened. I couldn't take it anymore, we broke up too late, and we kept in touch. It was false love. My gut was loud in New Zealand and then in Georgia. It wasn't right and we knew it. But, I wonder if me and George would have...

I had a dream that I was with my family and I watched them go inside, except for me and patty stayed behind. As we watched the house started to collapse. First, at the very top, then the middle leaving only the bottom in tact. I think I did the right thing with George. It hurts of course, but I want to trust myself. I am breaking an old pattern. That's not easy. I need to trust this change, and learn from it. I felt the uneasiness on my part, I had to lie to please him, I had to lose weight before seeing him, I had to please him, I had to match his intensity. And you know, what? Patty was with me. She was my support. She is my support. I am thankful for that. The house collapsing may reflect an old relationship structure or emotional pattern losing its hold on you. Because you recognized the signs early and stepped away, your mind may be processing both the grief  and  the disruption of a familiar cycle. What’s especially meaningful is that: You stayed outside the house. In th...

I am feeling a little better about George. I think I made the right decision, but oh man did I have a hard time with this one. Not with Justin or Sergio, or anyone else. But, George took a toll on me. I asked myself why and I think it's because I found him so familiar. And his texts and words and kisses and we slept together. He was kind, and firm at the same time. Just like poppy was. Charismatic and confident. But, he snores and he vapes and he doesn't eat well and he didn't come to see me when he said he would. Sure, I can say a lot about me too. I am obsessed with cycling, I've never been married. I listened to Esther Perel yesterday and she talks about that. How we aren't perfect either and should be open to differences. I was open, very open. But, this was different. He triggered me. He woke up my nervous system in a way that I felt a need. Not a want. Maybe we could have worked through that. But, I didn't want to try for some reason. For a good reason. Be...

I had a hard weekend. I was thinking a lot about if I made a mistake with George. I think it's the loss if anything. The loss of something that could have been. A boyfriend. A partner. A feeling that I'm not alone. That I have someone who cares and adores me. He thought I was adorable. He was falling for me. That's the part I miss. Not him exactly. Maybe him in the future, but I think that reality would have settled in eventually and maybe my gut would have proved me right. I am learning to trust my gut. I did with information. The feeling I had that Sunday, the not sleeping, the vaping, the snoring, the not coming when he said he would. Those were all signs by gut was holding on to. I am good at trusting my gut., I know it so well. I think about what Kat said. Is it expansion or contraction. This felt like both, but contraction when he said he would come and contraction when I said I would maybe go. That's worth paying attention to.  Now what Jenny said really hit home...

 I'm spiraling again. Why did I not give it more time? Why not just one more week? I just lost something that could have been. We could have been novas. We were in his eyes. I almost had a boyfriend. And things were going well. They were flowing like he said. They were moving forward. We were falling for eaach other. Or, was it just the idea of us being together. I remember him saying how every day you chose your pareja. That hit home. I wanted him to chose me, and he did. And, then I let him go. We were good. He was kind. He wanted me to do what I wanted to do. He made me feel so special. And I think I did too. I miss him. But, do I miss him or the idea of him? The idea of a boyfriend. Did, I exaggerate the way he was that first time with my therapist? Was he just a little nervous and acted that way. He talked a lot about himself, which is what men do. But, he never asked about my job. He didn't ask about my cycling. When I told him about Italy he just said that's great. H...

It's 5:40 and I've been up since 5. I am on an uphill. I had an emotional week, I had my period, I am sick. I feel emotional because I had and lost what I thought was love. George. Sergio. Hope. It was just hope that I lost, nothing else. I miss it, the texting, the i'm thinking of you, the phone conversations, the voice notes. I miss it all. Maybe it's just the distraction I miss. He was kind. He kept me busy. I miss that more than anything. But, it's over now. I will need to move on. I need to be kind to myself today. It will be hard because I am not riding. I am spending time with myself recovering. So, I need to be good to myself. Cherish this moment. It's a day off. Enjoy the quiet, read, talk to friends, relax. Because this is just an uphill. That's all it is. You will find love. You will find someone who you have chemistry with, who cares about you, who shares your values and hobbies. You will find him. Maybe I got sick as a sign to slow down. Breathe...

 I'm spiraling again. The kind of spiraling where every decision suddenly feels like a mistake. Where I replay every conversation, every text, every moment, looking for the exact place where I should have just waited one more week. Why didn't I give it more time? Because now I'm sitting with the weight of what could have been. We could have been something. I saw it in his eyes. The possibility. The hope. The way things seemed to flow so naturally between us. We were moving forward. We were choosing each other. Or at least I thought we were. I still remember him telling me that every day you choose your pareja. And he chose me. That's the part I can't stop thinking about. Because then I let him go. He was kind. Gentle. Supportive. He wanted me to do the things that mattered to me. He made me feel seen and special, and I hope I made him feel that way too. So now I'm left wondering: do I miss him, or do I miss the idea of him? Do I miss who he was, or do I miss the...

Day 1 since I broke it off with George. But, you know what? I think I did do the right thing. I think Elizabeth was right in that my radar was probably on to something. I talked to Jenny for a long time last night and she also mentioned that it was the right decision after listening to me about the other stuff. The talking about himself, the not coming when he said he would and not even mentioning it. Those are the big things for me. He is a little selfish. Sweet and kind, and made me feel special, but so did Matt at first. Love bombing. It gets to me so easily. I am such a sucker for it. I remember that feeling I had after sex. And then on the way home, And then even the next day, barely any texting. So yeah, my radar was right. I want someone who love me slowly and truly. Not so fast. Not hot and cold. Who engages with me and is curious about me. Someone who asks me questions too. Who shows interest. This wasn't him. Next. The love bombing thing was real I think. But, this time I...

I am in this situation again, where I have to make a decision with George. It's not easy, again. Almost like I want a bigger reason. I want him to get mad at me, or say the wrong thing. But, he doesn't. He says what I want to hear. What traps me. What keeps me smiling. But, I sense a dynamic. Almost like a power dynamic. He is superior. I am his. He reminds me of poppy sometimes too. The way he talks about other people. The way he makes jokes about me that are almost endearing. Like he knows me. I am definitely not healed from poppy yet. I want to be, but I'm not. And George reminds me of that. He reminds me a little of Matt. The first stages. But, how do you feel Anni? Do you like him? I like talking to him. I like the idea of him. But, I don't like who he is. He needs me right now. I get that. He wants support. He wants someone to believe in him. But, that's not my responsibility and I almost feel like it is in a way. He called me his novia. That felt good. I love...

I talked to Patty about George yesterday and she made me think maybe I should give him another chance. Then I heard a podcast with Esther Perel and made me think of another chance even more. She says that we should enter a new relationship with curiosity, especially with theater persons differences. It helped me shift my mindset a little. I may come back to the same conclusion, but at least I can give it a try. He is different, but he also has other things that intrigue me. His leap of faith on this business, his firmness, his confidence, his way he calls me all these names that make me melt...preciosa, guapa, chiquita, linda, even baby. I like that. I guess we will see what comes of this. More time to explore. More time to be curious.  I'm thankful for... - Justin - Family and friends - Work - My health physically, mentally, and emotionally 

Yeah I'm not that into him. Now that the excitement is wearing off, he's kind of annoying actually. he doesn't take care of himself. He vapes. He doesn't drink water. He doesn't go to the doctor. he doesn't sleep. He doesn't exercise. And he always seems to be tired. I don't think his finca will take off. He keeps putting things off. I hope it does, though. I love watching people take a leap and succeed. Jason didn't, but I admired him for it. I Wish George the best and I want to find a nice way to end things. Like Sergio did. Graceful, making me feel special. I wonder why I only like the chase. Or is it that I just overlook things at first. That is probably normal. I regret sleeping with him. I liked him at the time, and it felt good to be wanted. But, it added an emotional closeness. Although, it kind of felt like we emotionally got more distant. We didn't talk much after that. Weird. I do wonder if he was married 3 times what was he like after...

I talked to George this morning. We will see what happens, but the excitement is gone. This weekend did it. I like him, I had fun, but he vapes and he snores. He doesn't take care of his health, or is health conscious. All deal breakers for me. But, it was nice and I enjoyed it. We had sex, which I miss. It was quick, both times too. Not sure if he even cared. I don't think this one will work out. Oh well.  And then there is Sergio. That chapter closed too. He sent me the most beautiful message, though. A good bye message that touched me. I sent him a reply, and that's where it ended. Mi viajero. I will miss him. I'm grateful for... - Learning to open up with love - Spending the weekend disconnecting and feeling cared for - Friends and family  - My health physically, mentally, and emotionally 

I met George yesterday. It was... everything I didn’t know I needed. He was perfect, more than I could have hoped for. I was nervous at first, about him coming to my apartment, about opening up a little more than I usually do. But somehow, I felt more at ease than I’ve felt in a long time. Like maybe I’ve known him longer than a few weeks. Like there’s this quiet understanding between us that I can’t quite explain. He was everything I wanted him to be...real, kind, open-hearted. Just like he’s been during all these weeks of chatting on the phone. And when he left, I didn’t want him to go. That’s new for me. Usually, I walk away from moments like this, cautious, guarded. But with him, I just want to hold onto it, onto him. Part of me whispers, this might be too good to be true. Maybe I shouldn’t get ahead of myself. Maybe something will change, the magic will fade, the cracks will show. But right now? I refuse to let that take away what I feel. I want to enjoy this...this moment of hope...

Sergio got ahead of himself and backtracked on coming. He had a strong spurt of energy one day and night and was very poetic an intentional, and then nothing. Which is fine. Oddly I understand. He even said he would come fly to see me. And then he thinks he accelerated too much and stopped writing. I wanted to be mad, and tell him something that would hurt at first, but then I realized that I do get it. And I still admire him as a person. I wrote him that I understood, and to get back to his ride and I'll always be here if he wants to talk. I still want to be a good person. And I do feel like we had a connection. He came in my life for a reason, and I came in his for a reason. Maybe it wasn't meant to last. As for George, I am so nervous right now to tell him that I can't go today. I don't know if he will understand. Maybe he will. He's sensitive. I shouldn't have waited this long to say it, but a part of me wanted to go, even if it meant traffic for 4 hours bec...