Book - Hole to Whole

I can have my heart broken too. Even though I was the one that broke up with him. Because he disappointed me too. He asked for money and never mentioned paying me back. He became financially chaotic and lost his business and his license and depended on me 2 months in the relationship. He didn't give me my space when I asked for it. It wasn't me. It was him. He wasn't right for me, and he is to blame too. That's the thing, it's all me. It's all doubt. But, in the end, I am hurting too. I am ruminating too. I deserve better. I had a rough day yesterday thinking about all this. Missing him. Feeling guilty. Feeling sad. Looking at his instagram. But, at the end, I can just move on. I can feel bad for me, not him. It's not my fault. So don't take the fault, Anni. Be sad because you lost someone that made you feel loved. Even if it wan't real love. But, you did the right thing. You made the right decision for both of you. Trust that. And move on. It's ...

Something hit hard yesterday that Majo said. If he was just using you he won't come back. If he really loved you Mommy said, he would reach out. And he hasn't. So, maybe he really was using me. Maybe that was all. Not love. Just taking advantage of me. It's so hard to think that because he was so sweet and real and introduced me to everyone in his life, but I guess I won't ever know like Elizabeth says. Maybe he's thinking something similar about me. Maybe she didn't love me if she broke up with me and hasn't come back. The truth is I still care a lot about him. I am sad for him and his situation, and his anxiety, but I still wasn't getting what I needed and I was giving too much. And that's the reason. That's the most important part. Just the money part alone is a reason. I feel a little better this morning. More clear. I miss the idea of being in a relationship more than anything, but the closeness and kisses and hugs was all fading with the bi...

I am trying to remember what Elizabeth said to be in our session that I had high hopes for yesterday. I wanted her to make me feel better about my decision. But, I didn't need that because I already knew it was the right one. She said he was deeply distressed, which made me sad for him and like I abandoned him. She said it was because I was set up to feel that way. Somehow he knew I would have compassion and he taped into that. There was more than one side of him on the bus. Maybe the other parts didn't come out just yet like Jean said. Two months isn't enough to really get to know someone. I also think there was more to the story. She also said that sure my past could have been part of this, but not what triggered me leaving. It was what triggered me staying. That is huge. I want to did into that more. I felt bad for poppy, and he reminded me of him. That's why I wanted to stay longer than I should have. I left because I tried to break that pattern. I broke that patter...

I had a dream Susi needed a place to stay with her family. And I was thinking of letting her stay here. I was excited about it. About seeing the kids, and she had babies too. We were also rushing to get poppy presents for Christmas. I was thinking a raft, but then the raft was falling apart. I got socks and everyone said that would be a horrible gift alone. They were blue. We were in a hurry because it was th day before Christmas. I seemed to be the only one who cared. And then right when they were closing I wanted to but him some shirts and it was too late. I was upset. I was worried about poppy. He's dead and I still worry about him in my dreams. The guilt of not getting him the right thing. That's what I need to work on. Why do I feel that way. Why do I need to take care of him. Why do I get anxious when I can't please him or when I take care of myself? It wasn't all me with George, but I think this had something to do with it. It wasn't all me though. He trigger...

Day 3 was so hard. Luckily, I had Fer to support me. And having lunch with her parents helped me be distracted because we didn't talk about it. But, I woke up crying and cried again when I came back,, Mommy helped ironically. She was really supportive. And turned him into a villain for a little bit which I exactly what I needed, even though I know he's not one. I still think he was a good person, but he did take advantage of me. He did play the victim. He did use my car maybe knowing I could get in trouble. Regardless, it's over. And today is day 4. I have work. I have phisio. I have my massage. I will be ok. It will be ok. I have friends. I have hope that I will heal from this injury. I have the beach weekend to hopefully look forward to. I have future hikes that I've been wanting to do for a while. I have strength training with Andres so I can get stronger and healthy again. Something I have been ignoring for a long time and I think this injury has been the push. More...

I'm still having a hard time with this, but I think it's normal. I did care about him, maybe even loved him. But, I can still love someone and know there not the right person for me. So, stick with that. Stick with that, Anni. He wasn't the right person and the right person will come. Everyone is telling me that. There is a right person and he will find me. He will love me gradually, he will be kind and sweet and funny. He will have his shit together. He will be secure and stable. That's what I need. George wasn't it. He was in debt, he was without a job, without a car and an expired lisence, he lost everything he put in his business, he was needy and anxious, and vaped, and didn't take care of his health. He had no insurance. At least Justin had that part nailed. But, he lived with his mom. Anyways, I don't need to carry anyone anymore. I want to be cared for and someone who adds to my life, not takes from it. They took. I deserve to be loved. And I will fi...

I'm feeling better about my decision. Sometimes it creeps up on me, but then I remember the things that hurt me. Maybe they weren't intentional, but they were there. So, now I move on. I bounce back. I do something fun. I heal from my injury, I eat protein and strength train. I focus on me and my future after Peace Corps. I will be ok. I will be happy without him. I wasn't happy with him. It was lust, not love. It was comfort. It was companionship. And I miss that, but not all of it was real. And I trusted myself. I acted on my gut this time. That was a good thing, Anni. I need to keep doing that. Trust and act. It's the only way.  I'm grateful for... - my health and hope for healing with injury - realization that I've abandoned my health and now I can work on it with more protein, creatine, and vitamins - everyone who supported me through this: Patty, Sonja, Fer, Jenny, Peter, Jean, Elizabeth

I did it. Again, another man. Another partner. Hope again. When will I ever find the man I am supposed to be with. I thought it was him. I really did. But, it was fast and intense. And that's not love. That's attachment. What did we learn from this? I learned that I can't be with someone with an anxious attachment style or at least one that doesn't think he has it. If someone does and wants to work in it that's one thing, but George didn't. And I feel for him. I did have feelings for him. I don't know if its as love because it was fast, but I did things for love like lend him money and not tell him things to not bother him. That's what I want to talk to Elizabeth about. Why did I do that? Why did I give in, and offer, and please? The lesson here is to not do that. To set boundaries and hold them. I held them. I tried to hold them. That's not the kind of man I want. Period. I am learning to trust my gut. I am learning to act on my gut even when it hur...

Why is this decision so hard to make. Break up with him. Stay a little longer. But staying a little longer is actually my pattern. I do it every time. I want top be sure. Am I missing out on something real? Can he change? Will he change? Will I feel free in the relationship again. I know the answer. No. But, for some reason I don't want to let go. I don't want to blame myself. I know I will. That I'm broken. That I can't love or be loved. That I run when I'm scared. But, that's not it. It's his financial situation. Him not having a job or a license. It's feeling guilty when I want to be alone. It's a lot of things. I don't want to be in a relationship with this person. It feels good to be loved, but is it really love or his nervous system yearning for me. It's only been 2 months and I feel like I shouldn't feel this way. Trapped. What keeps me here? Hope perhaps. Hope that I can be in a relationship. But, I am not in a healthy one. That...