Book - What I Know Now

And that's it. I am worthwhile. I deserve better. I deserve to be loved. I am amazing. That's the lesson. No more sacrificing what I want and need to feel loved. I deserve it. So stop settling, stop seeking men who aren't at your level, who control you, who make you feel trapped. It wasn't George, I thought it was at first. But, it wasn't. I learned to ignore the red flags. His vaping, no exercise, 3 divorces, irresponsible, asked for money, wanted to move in with me, love bombing, moved fast, Italy feeling guilty. I ignored all of it. And I thought it could get better. I thought it would. I thought he would change, and maybe he would have. But, I can't wait. I miss him though. Especially when we laughed a lot, or the cuddles at night. I miss that so much. We did have fun together. But, here's the thing. We can have fun together and have what I need. It doesn't have to be one or the other. It doesn't have to be sacrificing one for the other. It can b...

Elizabeth asked me yesterday what else George brings to the table besides adoring me. I responded, nothing. I talked to Patty last night and she reiterated what I am starting to learn. I want someone so bad that I am willing to tolerate everything else. That's it. I want someone to be myself with. I want someone who brings more to the table. That's all. Two things I've learned through this.  I'm grateful for... - Patty  - Elizabeth  - My health physically, emotionally and mentally

It was a rollercoaster yesterday. First, he wrote and told me goodbye. It hurt, I cried, I shared with my friends. Then, I wrote back for closure and he wrote again, but this time leaving the door open. Telling me that he doesn't want to give up and doesn't want our story to end. I don't either, but I can't help but feel maybe this is manipulative too. I don't know. I have 5 hours of biking to think about it, without music because I lost my headphones again. I am so scatterbrained, for good reason. I want to believe him, but I still am not sure if he really even acknowledges what happened, and what I needed. He says we can sit with calma and honesty. I feel like I was honest and calm. Too much sometimes. I told him I needed space. I told him his situation was making me feel responsible. I could try to explain again, but I don't know if it will change anything. Maybe I can try. Maybe I can also just start grieving. I don't know right now because I am doubting...