Spiraling Again

Did I make a mistake with George? I wanted so bad to be loved and I felt like he was starting to love me. What I loved the most was how much he would keep me updated, sending me texts to tell me what was going on and where he was and asking me to do the same. Sergio did that too. Even when he didn't have signal. Maybe that is just a normal thing guys do. And I have set the bar low. I have to remember that I have trusted my gut with several guys in the past, and then went back to them, and then learned the hard way. I won't do that this time. I just can't. There was Matt, and John from ride, and John from the pool, and Justin. But, mostly there was Peter. He made me feel uneasy. He activated my central nervous system. And I stayed and look what happened. I couldn't take it anymore, we broke up too late, and we kept in touch. It was false love. My gut was loud in New Zealand and then in Georgia. It wasn't right and we knew it. But, I wonder if me and George would have been right for each other eventually. Maybe he would have come around with my cycling. Maybe I would have come around with his vaping. Maybe we would have continued to spend time together and enjoyed it. I was bored at his house, but maybe that was a good sign. I still liked his company. I felt distant though, used almost after sex. Like he got what he needed and then was back to business. He was also anxious and said he didn't need a psychologist. I wanted to know more. I could have understood better if I would have known more. So, here we are. Did I make a mistake or was I just trying to change him, save him? I don't know. I just know this is really bothering me. I don't think he would take me back if I talked to him. I feel bad for not talking to him about this first like I said I would. Like we said we would. I told him that communication is everything and I just dumped him like that. I just need to trust that I made the right decision. He's not worthy of being on my pedestal right now. I only knew him for 3 weeks. I saw him twice. He made me feel good, yes. But, someone else can too that shares more of my lifestyle and who I can enjoy life with. I don't think this would have worked. I think he tried and it would have been good for a little bit, but deep down something wasn't right on how I was reacting. I didn't like the person I was becoming. 

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