Feeling Wanted

I am in this situation again, where I have to make a decision with George. It's not easy, again. Almost like I want a bigger reason. I want him to get mad at me, or say the wrong thing. But, he doesn't. He says what I want to hear. What traps me. What keeps me smiling. But, I sense a dynamic. Almost like a power dynamic. He is superior. I am his. He reminds me of poppy sometimes too. The way he talks about other people. The way he makes jokes about me that are almost endearing. Like he knows me. I am definitely not healed from poppy yet. I want to be, but I'm not. And George reminds me of that. He reminds me a little of Matt. The first stages. But, how do you feel Anni? Do you like him? I like talking to him. I like the idea of him. But, I don't like who he is. He needs me right now. I get that. He wants support. He wants someone to believe in him. But, that's not my responsibility and I almost feel like it is in a way. He called me his novia. That felt good. I love that. I am a girlfriend again. But, what makes us that anyways. Phone calls for a few weeks. Seeing each other twice. There is a feeling, a gut feeling I have. Something that pulls at me. He talks a lot about him. He doesn't take care of his health. He says everything I want to hear though, that's the confusing part. And, I just really want to be in a relationship again. I want to love. It just can't be him. I want someone that makes me feel like I can tell them anything and everything. And he listens. George doesn't listen. I want someone who isn't critical. Who makes an effort to come see me. He has no reason not to come. He had no reason not to come to Quito. And, now somehow the pressure is on me. And Im the bad guy for not going. But, he never came and he never mentioned a thing about saying he would. It has to end now, before I get attached to that feeling of being wanted again, or more. It's that feeling that makes me want to stay. The attention, the feeling wanted. But, let's remember that I didn't feel that after we had sex at his place. I felt disconnected. 

I am going to send the text this morning. It has to end, today. I don't want to lead him on anymore.  I don't want him to feel more for me, even if it's not real. I don't want to be that person. So, I will send the text. The fact that I am scared to send it because of his response says a lot in itself. It says that something about his potential of reaction scares me. I deserve better. I deserve someone that wants to come see me. Someone who makes me feel special by listening to me, asking me questions, engaging in what I have to say. Someone who wants to hear about me too. Not just talk about themselves. I know what I need to do. I need to save space for someone else to walk into my life. And I know he will. 

I'm thankful for...

- Fer and her support yesterday

- Justin

- Patty

- My health physically, mentally, and emotionally 

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