Choosing Myself

I am trying to remember what Elizabeth said to be in our session that I had high hopes for yesterday. I wanted her to make me feel better about my decision. But, I didn't need that because I already knew it was the right one. She said he was deeply distressed, which made me sad for him and like I abandoned him. She said it was because I was set up to feel that way. Somehow he knew I would have compassion and he taped into that. There was more than one side of him on the bus. Maybe the other parts didn't come out just yet like Jean said. Two months isn't enough to really get to know someone. I also think there was more to the story. She also said that sure my past could have been part of this, but not what triggered me leaving. It was what triggered me staying. That is huge. I want to did into that more. I felt bad for poppy, and he reminded me of him. That's why I wanted to stay longer than I should have. I left because I tried to break that pattern. I broke that pattern. But, breaking patterns is hard. My nervous system is confused. And, that's ok. Like Jenny said, your mind plays tricks on you so you won't feel the pain. I remember that with Peter, and Justin. Justin 4 times. And now I am ok. He is out of my life, which is sad. But, I wasn't going to move on with that hope we had. He was angry too, which was concerning. She also said that the right decisions are painful. I believe that. Because I made it. It was mine to make. I could have stayed and be comfortable. It was in my control. But, I chose myself this time. I could have tried to save him, comfort him, be there for him. But, that wouldn't have changed his situation. I needed to let him go. Maybe he will fix his problems and come back one day. I can't have hope for that. Just hope that I will meet the right man one day. A secure man, who has a steady income and is standing on his two feet. That's what I want. Like Jean said, I lost him but I am gaining much more. Confidence, choosing myself, my footing, my worthiness. 


I'm grateful for...

- Life

- My health and getting better

- Jean, Jenny, Patty, Fer 

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