Book - Hole to Whole

I went to the premiere for the Devil Wears Prada with Fer yesterday. It was different, I tried to enjoy it. But, the whole time I was thinking that I want to be talking to George, It was weird. Why do I do this? Get attached so quickly, emotionally. What if we don't connect physically? What if he doesn't like me? I find myself having these thoughts, but then I find myself wanting to be close to someone too. We are already making plans and everything. Soft ones, but they are plans. I guess I won't lose anything if I go and see what he's like. I could gain something too. Just like with Sergio, it's no different. Here I am waiting to meet someone I am already intimate emotionally with. I think about what Elizabeth said, maybe I just need connection, not a relationship. Maybe I was brought up to think relationships weren't a good thing. I wish I could understand better, but for now I will just try to enjoy it. Then I remember from that podcast, spark isn't conne...

It's been interesting getting to know George, intense. we talk a lot. We get close. My pattern. I hope he is who I think he's like in person. Kind, polite, a little funny. I hope I am what he thinks I am in person. I get self conscious about my wrinkles, but that's it. I like every other part of me. I hope he does too. And I can't get too attached, not yet. I don't want to be disappointed. I don't want to feel like I sacrificed and invested so much into something that won't work. I really like his personality though, and his drive, and ambition. The way he got to where he is. It's admirable. Truly. I value that more than I thought. Admiration.  I'm grateful for... - life - meeting george and getting to know him - getting to ride  - my job  - hope to find love - my health physically, mentally, and emotionally

 Sergio messed up and didn't calculate the days right. I wouldn't be surprised if he can't make it to Quito. Let's see. He was so excited to see me too. I was even thinking it would be next week, Oh well. Keep your expectations low, that's what I told myself. Let's see what happens. I started talking to George and he's very nice. We connect. I might skip the gravel fest rides and see him Thursday. I need to meet more people. He seems kind, and worldly, and ambitious. Let's see. But expectations are low. They have to be. I can't get attached this time, not again. I am losing my want to talk to Justin too. He's there, but I am not that into him. Weird I know. I just don't feel it, anymore. Maybe it's these guys that could turn into nothing. But, I just see him as a friend. And that's all it has to be right now.  I'm grateful for... - helping Patty with her triathlon - my health physically, mentally, and emotionally  - holiday coming...

I had a great ride yesterday, feeling better about what Felipe said about resting. I think Monday I will rest and swim, swim for the mind. And I will try to follow the plan. I am enjoying gravel riding. It's different. I like it when it's not technical too. I'll have to get my bike adjusted though. My knees hurt. I had a dream I slipped, twice. I didn't fall. Just slipped. " A warning to you pay attention that you might lose control." I need to watch my food and rest. I don't want to slip into RED-S. I need another thing. I thought about the podcast yesterday, the part about letting reality be your editor, and your judge. I think I do want to be a nurse. I think it would be interesting working with people. Or, I could be the inspirational sports coach and do it even on the side. Coach people to accomplish big goals. I know so much already., I have my IIN certification. Which brings me to the other lesson from the podcast. Just go for it, imperfectly. Don...

Sergio asked me what I expect from him. It's a vulnerable question, but maybe more vulnerable for me that has to answer it. The truth is I don't expect anything from him. He's there, I'm here. He lives in Medellin. If we don't. turn into anything I would still be content. Because we had a beautiful connection. So, if it turns into something great. It would be work, though. If it doesn't, that's great too. I don't think he's expecting that. I am not sure what he expects from me. Sex, just support on his ride, a relationship. I don't know if it is worth asking him, or if after my question it would sway him. Maybe leave it as is and he can answer that if he wants without be asking. It has been fun though, I like the connection. The constant communication. The adventurous spirit. But, this too shall pass. Just like I told him that is what I would say to my future self If I had the chance earlier. This too shall pass, even the good things. So don'...

I had a dream Jenny was dying. It was odd. She was ok with it. She was following what the embassy doctors were saying and ignored other doctors, which is not like her. Her eyes were failing before, she was taking medicine before. It's like it was all adding up to thiis immune disorder that was causing her to die soon. I was sad. Andrea was there too. I wonder if this has to do with that I talked to Jenny yesterday, and I am worried about her not ending things with Tim already. On another note, Justin is back in my life. We talk a lot now, again. I can't shake him. We are just friends now, but he says he will stay with me until I heal. I am not sure about him, but maybe the therapy will help me decide. Time will tell.  I'm grateful for... - My health physically, mentally, and emotionally - Friends and family  - Love and hope for it 

Yesterday was a good day. I am being more of a tough boss at work, which is ok. I am showing my truer colors. I am admin sepping a volunteer. I had a great day though. Productive. Busy. I like that. I talked to Jean, which I loved. She's been my rock. I worry about her staying with me for 2 weeks, but then IU think about how much she's helped me. All those years. I appreciate her and I will lean in. I got a trainer, who also knows about nutrition which is great. I start next week. I am making progress. Slowly, but I am.  As for dating, it's non existent. Sergio is starting to get boring. It was exciting at first, but it faded. Same old. Same old. And, he still has a ways before he comes here. I am going to update my profile because I need to get out there more. And then there is Justin. He's still there. A good friend right now. That's all. But, I do think about us together. That he has all the things I truly need. He knows me. He gets me. He supports me. Something ...