Earning Love

I had a dream Susi needed a place to stay with her family. And I was thinking of letting her stay here. I was excited about it. About seeing the kids, and she had babies too. We were also rushing to get poppy presents for Christmas. I was thinking a raft, but then the raft was falling apart. I got socks and everyone said that would be a horrible gift alone. They were blue. We were in a hurry because it was th day before Christmas. I seemed to be the only one who cared. And then right when they were closing I wanted to but him some shirts and it was too late. I was upset. I was worried about poppy. He's dead and I still worry about him in my dreams. The guilt of not getting him the right thing. That's what I need to work on. Why do I feel that way. Why do I need to take care of him. Why do I get anxious when I can't please him or when I take care of myself? It wasn't all me with George, but I think this had something to do with it. It wasn't all me though. He triggered it. He activated it with his behaviors. Him getting upset after I told him about the PBP race I was excited about. Him getting frustrated when I wasn't listening fully to him that night on video chat. When I told him I wanted to stay this weekend after breakfast. Not feeling like I could ask for space. Or asking for it, and then it be deflected and about him. He was going to make a nice dinner, he has a funeral to go to, he needs me right now. Always about him, and he knew it would get to me. He had to have known. Today I have Elizabeth. I hope she will help. Why do I feel responsible for his pain now? And why did I feel like I needed to earn his love?

I'm grateful for...

- Patty

- My health and getting better slowly

- My job and stability

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