Book - What I Know Now

 The second accident was non-displaced. The words sounded almost reassuring. Nothing had shifted out of place. Nothing had broken clean through. But an injury doesn’t have to look dramatic to change the way you move through the world. Maybe that’s true of the other things, too. The scare after the accident. The ending of a connection that caused harm. The months of losing my period. The patterns I carried so long they started to feel like my personality. For six years, I avoided the conversation I knew I needed to have with my spiritual healer. Maybe I wasn’t ready. Maybe I was afraid of what I’d hear—or what I’d have to admit to myself once someone finally said it aloud. Then life made it harder to keep looking away. I had to sit with myself. Not the version of me who knew how to keep everything smooth, who could read a room and become whatever it needed. The real me. The one underneath the coping. Abuse can teach you to build a persona around survival. It can teach you to anticip...

When I lived in Turkey for a few months, working on a project in Syria, I stumbled upon something that would stay with me long after I left. It was called a Hammam—a Turkish bath—and it was more than just a place to wash away the dust and fatigue. It was a sanctuary, a space where layers of the world peeled away and I could finally breathe. The first room you walk into is a large, open space, filled with low tables where people sip Turkish tea and chat quietly. The air is thick with the scent of herbs and steam, and the atmosphere feels both lively and intimate. Small side areas branch off from here—little alcoves with hair dryers and mirrors, meant for after your bath. This space is for both men and women, a shared sanctuary that feels oddly sacred in its shared silence. Beyond that, I entered another big room—this one with tiny change rooms circling the perimeter. I didn’t speak much English, and I was the only one there at that moment. I headed into the sauna and settled onto the ma...

He wrote to Patty. That made me sad. Sad for him. He is still not moving on. He's still holding on, But, I need to take care of myself and remember what was breaking me. What would have broke me. Not what he did or din't do. I instantly felt like I should call him, or write him to tell him I was ok. But, then I remembered. I am regulating his emotions again. Even broken up. He can find something else. He will find someone else. I was looking at his eyes yesterday in pictures. He seemed so sweet, and so happy. It made me want to give him a hug. Like a little boy. But, I am not his mom. I don't need to regulate or be there for him. I wanted us to be a couple. I really did. That makes me sad. The future. Th potential. I know this is hurting him. It has to be. But, he will be ok. I will be ok. We will be ok. I don't have to hate him or be angry. I am just sad for him. Sad that we couldn't be what we both hoped for. That's all. That's the feeling I have. Just sad...

Everything is becoming more clear now. I know Elizabeth never mentioned this so I want to bring it up with her, but I am pretty sure I was in a trauma bond with him. It makes sense. It makes me feel better too, in a way. For one, it made sense that I was confused and a target. On the other hand, I suffered, I lost money, I lost my period. Although the money is separate. He was drowning financially and too advantage of my empathy. That's not fair or right. But, the trauma bond means he has wounds. He's scared of abandonment. That makes me sad. But, I was set up to feel this way with him. He will be ok. Part of me wishes I would have ut this together earlier, but then again, I think it takes a break up to realize these things. Stepping outside. Understanding. My nervous system is finally calming down. The savior, the fixer, the pleaser, the quiet one. They are all leaving. I have said goodbye with this relationship. The wild one is back. The one that goes on adventures, conquers ...

Last night was rough in my dreams. I cried, I had a bad day or bad moments. There was a child I was taking care of., There is always a child. I gave her to someone and went to get food. All the things started happening and I just broke down. I thought I would wake up crying, but I didn't. It was just a dream. But a sad one. I was sad, and frustrated and upset. I was buying stuff to eat and drink for a bike trip where we had stopped. I left because the attendant at the restaurant we were at skipped me. I was going to get fish. So I gave someone the child and left for a shop. I was in Germany. I came back late and was upset because I had said  we need to leave at 1:45 and it was way past that. I got lost coming back. I couldn't stop crying. But, I'm ok now. I stopped crying. I had a drink with a friend. I wasn't hungry. I don't know what that was about. Maybe that I need to cry more. Maybe because I went to bed thinking about trauma bonds. Maybe that child was me. I k...

I had a better day yesterday. I stayed busy in the morning with swimming and then my mob class, then the gym. And it was only noon when I got home so that was hard. Down time isn't the best thing for me right now. I went for a walk and then massage. I used to be better with being alone. I hope this will pass so I can find that peace again. I still think of him, miss his company. But, I just need to remember that he wasn't good for me. We weren't good for each other. I will find someone who is one day. I know I will. I have to remember I felt stuck with him. I didn't do the things I wanted. I wonder if things would have been different if he had his job and we would see each other once in a while. I do, but I don't think he would be able to do that. I don't think his attachment and woulds would allow him to. I remember when I was like that with Peter. He was my calm. I would go to him when I was anxious. Maybe I had that with him. Maybe I was George in that relati...

I had a good ride yesterday on the mountain bike. It was fun, I did ok. I know it won't be like Cotopaxi, but I am trying. And I got out. I was sad and upset when I left and came back better. Then, I went for a long walk with Fer, which also helped. I am getting there. Just staying active, enjoying nature. That's really the best that I can do. I have to take vitamins starting today. That might help get my period back. I can't believe I stopped that for 4 months. I was doing so well before that. But, that's ok. Back to it. I stopped eating too. I ate badly. I don't know why I felt like I had to be thin for him. He didn't care. I guess I wanted to feel thin, I won't do that again. I have to eat. I have to take care of myself. I have to get my period back. Please. I want to post the pictures on instagram, but I am worries I will make him sad, or upset that I am moving on. Why should that matter, though? It's over. I am doing it again, managing his emotions ...

I'm doing it again, but this time spiritually. I am seeking so many fixes for this grief. Like I did with my injury in Panama. Going to so many places and getting confused and triggered. I won't do it anymore. Now, I just want to focus on me. On moving on. On doing things that are good for me. No access, no contact with George. Just one day at a time. Writing, staying busy, eating well, and Elizabeth. Not anyone else. No more seeking answers or cleanings, or alternative therapy. I am fine. I am not broken. I am not emotionally broken like she insinuated yesterday. Now, I learned my lesson. Now, I will get back on track. So I can move on again. Because she really did trigger me. I think she made me think it was partly me that made me feel sad. But, she also had a bad feeling about him. And I don't want to overthink it anymore. I need to stop controlling this grief. It's over. We are over. It doesn't matter anymore why or why not. It just matters that I didn't fee...

I don't think my session today helped. She said some things that were triggering. That it's not just his energy, but my stuff too. That could I be possibly leaving relationships early so that they don't break up with me.  A- im leaving relationships early so they don't break up with me B- Regret, feeling bad about myself., feeling hopeless  C- im staying in relationships that aren't for me for too long, not early  Maybe I needed this to let my emotions out. I needed to feel. I needed to talk. I needed to hear that his energy was off even for her. That something was off for him to have been married three times. And it's ok that I had a part in this. I know that. It was both of us. Not all him, not all me. But, in the end my therapist was still worried. My friends were worried. He was married three times. He lent me money. He was drowning financially. I know I dodged a bullet. Anni, you don't need special healers to tell you this. Just stick with your therapis...

I had a dream I was in the ocean, and I saw a shark. Is wam to a paddle board and got on. I think poppy maybe was on it. Maybe this is a good thing, I escaped a shark. George. I don't know if he would have done anything bad to me, but I think the energy would have affected me more. I dodged a bullet,a nd I just need to keep believing that. I have been thinking a lot about what Elizabeths aid about projection and how I reacted to it. He projected fear of losing me, drowning in his situation. And I started feeling those things too. I absorbed it. They absorbed me. And I think that was the exact feeling I had that first week. I felt his energy. I felt it so much that I made other excuses to end it, and then after I did, I challenged those excuses because they were just excuses. The real issue was his energy. So, I can be proud of that. That I sensed that as a bad thing. Now I just need to work on acting on it.  I'm grateful for... - Life and getting to live it so fully - Hanging o...

Poppy was in my dream last night. I was with Justin and George at different points and we were scared that Poppy would see us. In the shower, and then making coffee. He was wth friends. I was scared to make him mad. I never talked to him like before in dreams. He was just there. His presence. Yesterday my session with Elizabeth was hard to understand. I wanted her to make me feel better about if it was me or him that caused it to end. I think some of it was me. I was nervous to tell him things, say things, be myself. Like I was with poppy. Like mommy was with poppy. I witnessed that as a kid. That was what I thought relationships should be lie. Are like. Where you sacrifice what you want. Where you are nervous to Make them mad. Where you manage their emotions. Where you change who you are to please them. Where you stay quiet when you want to speak up. But, that's not the relationship I want. I want to be myself. I want to make my new assumptions real. Where I can be myself. Where I...

I am regretting my decision now to buy the mountain bike, do Vuelta a Cotopaxi, change my plans about going home. But, you know what...I need this. The mountains. The challenge. Biking. Adventure. Something different. I need that. More than home right now. I can go home later. If I go to Solomon Islands I will go home before then. Maybe right before. But I need adventure right now. I need to suck the juice out of Ecuador. Really explore. Enjoy it. Love it again. He left a bad taste in my mouth and I don't want to feel the way anymore. It's over. I wanted to write him yesterday. The dinner with Cris and Ari didn't help. I doubted myself again. The wine. It was just a roller coaster. But, I'm supposed to have bad days too. That's ok. I can have bad days and good days later. I hope today is a better day. I hope I get my period soon. I need that. I'm grateful for... - seeing Cris and Ari yesterday - my job and flexibility - my health physically, mentally, and emotio...

I'm feeling better today. Thinking about him a little less. Excited to do this Vuelta a Cotopaxi. It should be fun. I need it. I need an aggressive goal. Something else to think about, focus on. And then maybe TransEcuador that keeps showing up on my mind. A true send off. We will see. I talked to Fer yesterday, it was nice. She was open about how she felt she didn't want to keep judging me about George. And I wasn't responding. I remember that. I didn't respond because I was with him. I distanced myself too. We are good now, though. We talked it out. And that makes me feel better. We are friends again. I need friends right now.  I am gaining weight, went up fast but that's ok. I need to eat. I need my period back. I just need to keep exercising. It's weird though because I was so skinny for so long and I liked it, but I was dizzy and I wasn't eating much at all with George. I wonder what that was. We were both doing it. I do want to eat less at night though...

They are doing reference checks for Solomon Islands. I wouldn't even be applying if George and I were doing well, He would be living with me, an EFM, we would be getting married. If we were doing well. But, we weren't. I felt smothered. I felt trapped. I felt unseen with what I needed. And that's ok. I get it. I want to reach out to him to tell him im going. But, I don't want to miss him all over again. And I do. I miss his company. The way he always told me I was amazing and beautiful and his everything. But, was that even true or was it attachment? I guess I will never know for sure. What I do know is that I deserve love, and not at a cost. I can be loved and have what I need. No sacrifices of who I am and what I need. Not anymore.  As for Solomon Islands. it makes me a little sad to leave Ecuador and nervous. I have a pretty awesome life here. Friends. Cycling. Work close by. Awesome apartment. But, I am also bored at work. I need a challenge. I also could use more j...