I Am Healing

I'm still having a hard time with this, but I think it's normal. I did care about him, maybe even loved him. But, I can still love someone and know there not the right person for me. So, stick with that. Stick with that, Anni. He wasn't the right person and the right person will come. Everyone is telling me that. There is a right person and he will find me. He will love me gradually, he will be kind and sweet and funny. He will have his shit together. He will be secure and stable. That's what I need. George wasn't it. He was in debt, he was without a job, without a car and an expired lisence, he lost everything he put in his business, he was needy and anxious, and vaped, and didn't take care of his health. He had no insurance. At least Justin had that part nailed. But, he lived with his mom. Anyways, I don't need to carry anyone anymore. I want to be cared for and someone who adds to my life, not takes from it. They took. I deserve to be loved. And I will find that. It will come. Because I am getting closer to what I actually want and need. I am healing. I know what I deserve. And I deserve more. 

I'm grateful for...

- Learning from this experinece

- My healing physically and emotionally 

- Patty, Fer, Ari, Sonja 


Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Trauma Bonding

I had a hard weekend. I was thinking a lot about if I made a mistake with George. I think it's the loss if anything. The loss of something that could have been. A boyfriend. A partner. A feeling that I'm not alone. That I have someone who cares and adores me. He thought I was adorable. He was falling for me. That's the part I miss. Not him exactly. Maybe him in the future, but I think that reality would have settled in eventually and maybe my gut would have proved me right. I am learning to trust my gut. I did with information. The feeling I had that Sunday, the not sleeping, the vaping, the snoring, the not coming when he said he would. Those were all signs by gut was holding on to. I am good at trusting my gut., I know it so well. I think about what Kat said. Is it expansion or contraction. This felt like both, but contraction when he said he would come and contraction when I said I would maybe go. That's worth paying attention to.  Now what Jenny said really hit home...
Read more

Keep Connecting

I had coffee with Fer yesterday. It was nice to catch up. She and I can relate to each other. Even when I mentioned that I liked it when men were mean because it was familiar, she got it. Justin also called and I chatted with him. I don't have feelings or that sense of attachment like before, though. That's a good thing. Just a friend. It helps to have other distractions. For example, friends, cycling, and now dating. I am going to meet JC today. So curious to what his real name is. I hope it goes well, but my expectations are low, I don't know why. Maybe because I feel like that protects me from rejection. It stings, but then I'm fine. So, I need to keep putting myself out there. Keep moving. Keep connecting.  I'm grateful for... - family - friends - my health physically, emotionally, and mentally  - feeling ok during recovery from the ride 
Read more

George

Yeah I'm not that into him. Now that the excitement is wearing off, he's kind of annoying actually. he doesn't take care of himself. He vapes. He doesn't drink water. He doesn't go to the doctor. he doesn't sleep. He doesn't exercise. And he always seems to be tired. I don't think his finca will take off. He keeps putting things off. I hope it does, though. I love watching people take a leap and succeed. Jason didn't, but I admired him for it. I Wish George the best and I want to find a nice way to end things. Like Sergio did. Graceful, making me feel special. I wonder why I only like the chase. Or is it that I just overlook things at first. That is probably normal. I regret sleeping with him. I liked him at the time, and it felt good to be wanted. But, it added an emotional closeness. Although, it kind of felt like we emotionally got more distant. We didn't talk much after that. Weird. I do wonder if he was married 3 times what was he like after...
Read more