Trapped

Why is this decision so hard to make. Break up with him. Stay a little longer. But staying a little longer is actually my pattern. I do it every time. I want top be sure. Am I missing out on something real? Can he change? Will he change? Will I feel free in the relationship again. I know the answer. No. But, for some reason I don't want to let go. I don't want to blame myself. I know I will. That I'm broken. That I can't love or be loved. That I run when I'm scared. But, that's not it. It's his financial situation. Him not having a job or a license. It's feeling guilty when I want to be alone. It's a lot of things. I don't want to be in a relationship with this person. It feels good to be loved, but is it really love or his nervous system yearning for me. It's only been 2 months and I feel like I shouldn't feel this way. Trapped. What keeps me here? Hope perhaps. Hope that I can be in a relationship. But, I am not in a healthy one. That's the truth. He's not a bad person, but he's not the person for me. He makes me anxious. He is anxious. He is needy. He is making me uncomfortable. What do I like about him? I like the way he makes me feel when he says nice things. I like having a boyfriend. I like having someone to care about. I like that he is attractive to me. But, I can like those things and him not be my person. Simple as that. They all see it, Patty, Elizabeth, Jenny, Sonja, Fer. The writing is on the wall. 

I'm grateful for...

- love and courage to let it go when it doesn't feel right

- hope to find someone 

- my health physically , emotionally, and mentally and hope to get better soon

- Patty and my friends 

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