Controlling Grief

I'm doing it again, but this time spiritually. I am seeking so many fixes for this grief. Like I did with my injury in Panama. Going to so many places and getting confused and triggered. I won't do it anymore. Now, I just want to focus on me. On moving on. On doing things that are good for me. No access, no contact with George. Just one day at a time. Writing, staying busy, eating well, and Elizabeth. Not anyone else. No more seeking answers or cleanings, or alternative therapy. I am fine. I am not broken. I am not emotionally broken like she insinuated yesterday. Now, I learned my lesson. Now, I will get back on track. So I can move on again. Because she really did trigger me. I think she made me think it was partly me that made me feel sad. But, she also had a bad feeling about him. And I don't want to overthink it anymore. I need to stop controlling this grief. It's over. We are over. It doesn't matter anymore why or why not. It just matters that I didn't feel comfortable being myself, that I felt like I needed to change or accept things I didn't want to to keep his love. Period. Now I will be fine. I just need to let go and let grief do its thing, And I will be better. This has been a hard one. He has been hard to get over. Maybe the intensity, the sleeping over so much, the love he gave me. That's what I am grieving. His company, not him. Remember that. You will be fine. You will get back on track soon. You will feel better again. I have to remember my period is late and hormones may be influencing. That is also a factor. Be kind to yourself, Anni. This is hard. You went through a lot. You are going through a lot. He took your money. He love bombed you. He gaslighted you. He saw your vulnerabilities and took advantage of that. He gave you his energy. He projected on you. You deserve to be happy. Let him go. Just like Kat said, just let him go. Him, thoughts, access. It's time. 

I'm grateful for...

- The ride with the girls yesterday

- Having a ride today and trying the mtb

- My health physically, mentally, and emotionally 

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