Let Them

Poppy was in my dream last night. I was with Justin and George at different points and we were scared that Poppy would see us. In the shower, and then making coffee. He was wth friends. I was scared to make him mad. I never talked to him like before in dreams. He was just there. His presence. Yesterday my session with Elizabeth was hard to understand. I wanted her to make me feel better about if it was me or him that caused it to end. I think some of it was me. I was nervous to tell him things, say things, be myself. Like I was with poppy. Like mommy was with poppy. I witnessed that as a kid. That was what I thought relationships should be lie. Are like. Where you sacrifice what you want. Where you are nervous to Make them mad. Where you manage their emotions. Where you change who you are to please them. Where you stay quiet when you want to speak up. But, that's not the relationship I want. I want to be myself. I want to make my new assumptions real. Where I can be myself. Where I can say freely that I want space or don't want to do something. Where I can do activities I enjoy and they fully support me. Where I don't have to carry them or save them. That's what I want. That's what I deserve. I am still doubting myself witH George. I think it's because I miss the closeness. I miss the love he gave me. But, I don't miss the way he made me feel. Smaller. I don't know if he did it on purpose. I may never will. But it was real. I was nervous to tell him that I wanted the weekend to myself, or that I had a ride, or that I was enjoying Italy. I didn't want to disappoint him. It was just a feeling. A sense. Maybe he wouldn't hav scared, but I sensed he would. And next time, in my next relationship, I will let them. Do what I want and let them be upset. I deserved Italy. I deserve to ride when I want. I deserve to say no. So, that's what I learned. That I want to be with someone who makes me feel safe to be who I am. George didn't make me feel that way, maybe because of what he was projecting. He was a drowning man, I was reacting to that. I want to react to a secure man. Justin was secure. He made me feel like myself. He was in my dream too. Maybe something is trying to show me what that feels like. As a reminder. Because despite how I felt uneasy with George from day one, he had his red flags that even my friends and Elizabeth were worried. He was married 3 times, he didn't talk to his son, friend and mom anymore, he didn't have a job or a pace to live, he was in debt, he didn't take care of his health, he was pushy about moving in, he asked for money, he wasn't responsible. I had my reasons. It wasn't me. Or it wasn't all me. And the part of it that was me will heal. I won't be scared anymore. I will filter earlier. I will trust myself from day one. I will let them be, and I will be me.

I'm grateful for....

- All the growing I have been doing with this experience

- Making it to references for Solomon Islands

- Jenny

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