Patterns

I had a good ride yesterday on the mountain bike. It was fun, I did ok. I know it won't be like Cotopaxi, but I am trying. And I got out. I was sad and upset when I left and came back better. Then, I went for a long walk with Fer, which also helped. I am getting there. Just staying active, enjoying nature. That's really the best that I can do. I have to take vitamins starting today. That might help get my period back. I can't believe I stopped that for 4 months. I was doing so well before that. But, that's ok. Back to it. I stopped eating too. I ate badly. I don't know why I felt like I had to be thin for him. He didn't care. I guess I wanted to feel thin, I won't do that again. I have to eat. I have to take care of myself. I have to get my period back. Please. I want to post the pictures on instagram, but I am worries I will make him sad, or upset that I am moving on. Why should that matter, though? It's over. I am doing it again, managing his emotions even when we are broken up. I posted them. But, I still have a pattern I need to heal. Managing someone else's emotions. Mostly men. Saying yes, lying to please, changing how I feel or act to make them feel better. That's what I need to heal. That and accepting what I don't want to stay in a relationship. To be loved. It wasn't just my pattern, though. It was his anxious attachment, his financial situation, his three divorces. But that doesn't matter does it? What matters is me and what I can work on to have a healthy relationship. Not put the blame on him. That's on him to work on. 

I'm grateful for...

- taking care of myself again

- The ride yesterday witH Audax 

- Fer and our walk yesterday

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