Protecting Her

Last night was rough in my dreams. I cried, I had a bad day or bad moments. There was a child I was taking care of., There is always a child. I gave her to someone and went to get food. All the things started happening and I just broke down. I thought I would wake up crying, but I didn't. It was just a dream. But a sad one. I was sad, and frustrated and upset. I was buying stuff to eat and drink for a bike trip where we had stopped. I left because the attendant at the restaurant we were at skipped me. I was going to get fish. So I gave someone the child and left for a shop. I was in Germany. I came back late and was upset because I had said  we need to leave at 1:45 and it was way past that. I got lost coming back. I couldn't stop crying. But, I'm ok now. I stopped crying. I had a drink with a friend. I wasn't hungry. I don't know what that was about. Maybe that I need to cry more. Maybe because I went to bed thinking about trauma bonds. Maybe that child was me. I keep. taking care of her in my dreams. I am gentle, I am caring. That part I like, If it's me, I am watching out for her. I still am with the choices I make. I believe that about trauma bonds. I think about how we slept intertwines. Our deep connection. Our pace. Our hug in chanquinan. All of it. And with time the other stuff started to show. The drowning financially. The negotiating my space. The need to marry me, live with me. Act as if we were married. That's all that was. A trauma bond that grew into some love and companionship. I made the right decision. I was protecting her. 

I'm grateful for...

- Jenny and our talk yesterday when I was feeling low

- My health physically, mentally, and emotionally 

- Getting to go to Lago San Pablo and DC soon 

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