Wild One

Everything is becoming more clear now. I know Elizabeth never mentioned this so I want to bring it up with her, but I am pretty sure I was in a trauma bond with him. It makes sense. It makes me feel better too, in a way. For one, it made sense that I was confused and a target. On the other hand, I suffered, I lost money, I lost my period. Although the money is separate. He was drowning financially and too advantage of my empathy. That's not fair or right. But, the trauma bond means he has wounds. He's scared of abandonment. That makes me sad. But, I was set up to feel this way with him. He will be ok. Part of me wishes I would have ut this together earlier, but then again, I think it takes a break up to realize these things. Stepping outside. Understanding. My nervous system is finally calming down. The savior, the fixer, the pleaser, the quiet one. They are all leaving. I have said goodbye with this relationship. The wild one is back. The one that goes on adventures, conquers her fears, goes on rides she doesn't know she can handle, takes a leap of faith with decisions that feel right, connects with her friends regularly. That's me. That's who I want to be again. Not submissive, not a pleaser, not an emotional regulator. And that's ok if I am alone through this. Wild one's usually are. But, one day I will find him, or better, he will find me. And he will love me for me. He won't ask me for anything. He won't put pressure on me. He won't move faster than what's comfortable. He won't get upset when I need space, instead he will encourage my biking and seeing friends. He will be kind and loving. He will make me laugh. He will adore me. More than he did. With out wanting anything in return. That's the kind of an I want. That's the kind of man I will attract.

As for Solomon Islands, my gut says it's a no. Let's see what happens Friday. But, I was relieved when I suspected a no so that's a sign. Listen to that. 

I'm grateful for...

- Clarity 

- Patty and Lorena

- Getting to get away from Quito for 2 days on retreat 

- My job 

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